options

life always opens doors . its always full of options . we never know what lies beyond that door , what it will open to . we just have to choose and choose at the right time . otherwise one by one the doors will be closed forever and we ll be left standing outside !!

life has got a new meaning

life has got a new meaning . my hands are full . the clock is ticking faster . there are smiling faces around me . there are new avenues to discover .

i am on a new journey!!!

a new journey

i will be starting a new phase of my life . on one hand i am excited , all geared up n ready to give it a shot . on the other i am anxious , nervous as to how i would perform .
also somewhere deep inside is a regret , a sadness that makes me feel things are not like before . theres not a ring on my finger as was promised .

going back

i am going back to that place for a day where all my memories had taken birth .

even though it is for a day , my senses are all worked up ...

every small thing has started coming back from the darkness .

i dont have words to express the pain i experience when i think of my past years .

" kaun kahta hain nahi badalti hain takdeerein ?

apno karmo se likhte hain hum apni haath ki lakidein ""

peace of mind

god ! give me some peace ...
if things continue at this rate , death doesnt seem to be far !!

show some light!!

uff these mails !!

i have had this experience before . guys who do not have the courage to talk openly send mails under cover ..i mean withou disclosing their identity .
a guy who called himself tom hanks mailed me frequently when i was in 11th . i was young and so had a curiosity to know who it was . later i found out that it was a guy who used to come to the same cafe a sme and had my id by peeping into the screen.

again in my 1st year the same thing happened . this time it was the boy frnd of a close frnd of mine . he said that he had a crush on me .

it happened again yesterday . another guy who knows my sister as well mailed me and has begun to express his love .
god knows who the hell this guy is . as of now i dont have an inkling !!!

BLESSED WITH A FRIEND

I HAVE THIS FRIEND WITH WHOM I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE I WAS 1.5 YEARS OLD . THE OTHER DAY HE CALLED UP AND WISHED ME HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY AND ASKED ME HOW I WOULD LIKE TO CELEBRATE MY B'DAY .
I WAS TAKEN ABACK . MY B'DAY IS STILL 3 MONTHS AWAY .
NO THIS GUY IS NOT IN LOVE WITH ME . HE HAS A GF AND IS ABOUT TO GET MARRIED SOON (HOPEFULLY !!!)


I WAS TOUCHED NEEDLESS TO SAY
AND NEEDLESS TO SAY COMPARISONS POURED IN . MR EGO NEVER THOUGHT OF MAKING MY B'DAY SPECIAL , NEVER GIFTED ME ANYTHING ..
IT WAS ALWAYS A DRY WISH AT 12 : 00 AND HE WOULD GO OFF TO SLEEP .

MAY BE THIS GUY WONT DO ANYTHING OUT OF THE BOX OR SPECIAL ...
BUT ATLEAST HE SAID ... MOST PEOPLE CANT EVEN DO THAT ....

the verdict

I don’t know why but all that I wanted to do with mr ego , has actually started happening in my life . the only thing is that its not him . may be god’s way of saying that , I have to have these pleasures myself .
I accept the verdict with my head bowed .

" mujhe pata hain tumne mere liye hamesha
bahut duyayen mangi hain ..
par aur nahin..
kyunki abhi main na tumhare saath jee sakti hun
na tumhare bagyar "

FROM A STUDENT TO A TEACHER

My hardwork paid off …finally , I can boast that there is someone on this earth who has recognition for what I have done .
In the past year , I was unemployed . to pass my time , I gave tuitions to the daughter of a family friend . this gal aged 8 , loved doing everything else apart from studying . she was cute no doubt , but nothing could take her to her books .
When I started teaching her , she used to get 0 out of 10 in mental maths . she had started fearing it like some great devil .
In other subjects a swell she failed to score well.
Though not many parents give importance to the studies and progress of an eight year old , her mother was really very concerned .

All through that year , I not only taught her but motivated her to do well in every way I could making her realize what was the importance of studying hard . well , as long as I was there she strived hard to meet my expectations . sometimes she did , sometimes not .

After she passed her final exams , I had to stop teaching her due to my other commitments . hse has a new teacher now.

Today the results of her first exams in this new class came out and she called me up to tell her marks . to my surprise and amazement , she had scored highest in almost all subjects . my heart jumped with joy and in the next instant I realized that the new teacher is really doing good with her . but she cleared my thoughts saying , “ miss its all because of you that I am doing well . its all because of what you had taught me . I promise you that I will keep doing well now and always . I will always remember what you told me about the importance of doing well in my studies.”

Tears welled up in my eyes and I could do nothing but bless her silently .

Not many people have given me recognition for what I have done for them . not that I want my work to be recognized but an eight year old child won my heart today , made me feel special , made me feel that I am loved and respected ..

I bless her so that she might attain great heights in life because acknowledging others is a quality that many people are yet to learn .

ulta chor kotwal ko daante

the maxim : ulta chor kotwal ko daante has finally come true in my life .
the person whom I should accuse of playing with my life and emotions was accusing me back today . but I will not let any of it affect me coz I know this is the game that escapists play .

and this guy , he had always been an escapist . a master at pointing out others mistake and punishing as if he were god .and when people points out his mistakes that are quite frequent , he calls it ‘mud-slinging’ .

I only told him : you will realize someday !!

at home on a bandh

.
Since most of my day is spent at home sitting in front of my computer , reading books or watching tv , a bandh doesn’t make much of a difference .

But the face of Bengal bandhs have now changed
Bengalis now have to get used to a lot of other things apart of bandhs .

Bandh no longer is just a shut down . it is associated with road blocks , throwing stones at public offices , putting govt buses on fire , beating up people on roads…

Its no longer a holiday that the bongs were used to . it means sitting at home glued to the tv and watch horrifying scenes of crime .

I particularly have noticed that the hooligans who come down at the roads get more exited when they locate tv cameras . it becomes a competition sorts in which one displays novel ways of creating disturbance .

It seems that if things like this continue , very soon gals will have to think twice b4 stepping out of their homes.

i am bored of being bored !!!

Its 4 in the morning and I am a restless soul …

We were planning a trip …but seems it has 2 b shelved ….


I ts so suffocating …the everyday routine

Get up late …have bfast while watching tv ..turn a few pages of newspaper …log onto the internet for a while …then again watch some tv ….take a late bath ..have lunch …afternoon nap ..then off for the vening’s scheduled program ..sometimes I have tuitions to give to children , sometimes it’s a movie ., or a dinner , or just a cup of coffee ….

To add spice , have storming sessions of arguments with parents …

Earlier I remember , the guy I was with used to call me up in the morning and wake me up ...those days I used to give tuitions to a lil gal …he would ask me to wake me up …and would talk to me in a sleepy voice all the way …coz he then would be unable to talk to me whole bcoz of his classes ..

Sometimes if he would come back early in the afternoon ..he would wake me up…

But then , now these are just distant memories ..

with friends on a sunday

Was too tired to make an entry on Sunday . it was a remarkable day of sorts … met 3 of my school friends .. and had a gala time .

At times like this , I realize that had it not been for my friends , I would have been dead by now … if not anatomically atleast emotionally .

My hard work seems to have resulted on a zero with my job put on hold due to recession for so long now …another 4 and a half months to go …

My emotional investment (that is what I would term my relationship) ended ib a rather unexpected manner … this specially had drained me of all my softness , my emotions …

I put up my smiling happy pics on networking sites , I meet friends , laugh with them , talk to them , I chill out with my cousins , I give company to my parents …
Not even for a moment do I let my depression come out in front of anyone …

A couple of days back , I was searching suicide stories on google and came to notice after reading quite a few of them , that they commit suicides when everyone thinks that everything is going on perfectly with the fellow..

Like my mother knows that I was quite shaken by my break up …a couple of friends know ..

But my mother sees that I am happy , I watch movies , go out with friends and am aperfectly happy person ..


Were I to do something drastic …everyone would be on their wit’s end as to what led to such an end ..
Anyways I am not planning to do anything like that..

But thank god , you have atleast given me a set of friends who are always quite eager 2 meet me , talk 2 me and support me when I need them …

tired

tired of meeting people ...but since i have been out of bounds for quite some years ..people have lot of enthusiam to meet me :(
met a friend yesterday ..another is asking to meet on sunday ..
i am just simply tired ...

lost in the crowd

now that i am on my own , i realise that i was nothing more than a puppet in the hands of that guy i was with . i had quite often told him this with tears in my eyes...mostly he never paid heed and sometimes he would say " you can do this much for a relation that will last a lifetime ".

everytime i silently nodded.
now when i have to meet someone , i get so worked up ...
everything from what i should wear , how i should tie my hair , what should i talk and what i should not ,what will the other person think is a concern .

i feel so lost and out of place ..

tomorrow i am meeting someone .. he is a friend but still i am thinking that i my hair is not shampooed , my eyebrows not done ..what will i wear ? will i reach on time ???

i am tired ...i am so damn tired ...

lack of conscience

My friends tell me that I am a ‘hard core feminist’….now whatever that means , this phrase kind of follows me everywhere in whatever I speak or do . my friends have kind of tagged me .

I am helpless , but there are certain things that really trigger me .

Of late , I have come to the conclusion that guys are secretive and cold when comes to hiding their past . girls are made fun of coz of their inability to keep to themselves what they know . funny it may seem , but its safe .

I am quite a lot into the idiot box and its products .

I a serial about four women and their journeys of life , there is a women who at the age of 60 comes to know that her husband has another wife in a different city since the past 30 years and she never came to know of it !!!!

I know what you are thinking … “ these soap makers and their weird stories !!”

But don’t these stories reflect our lives ??

Lets go a little closer to reality … a famous “item gal” is all set to tie the knot and has arranged for her swayamvar sabha . 16 men have been selected to seek her hand. In a shocking revelation , she comes to know that one of the men , is married and has 3 children !! the explanation : his religion allows it .

The girl was wise enough to ask him leave ..

Even now if you are not convinced enough , heres a small incident for you …

One of my friends studying in Bhopal was seeing a guy since she was in her first year … after 3 years of love , passion and commitment she bumps on this guy at her younger sister’s school . the guy had come with his wife to pick up his 3 year old kid from school !!

And me ?
I loved a guy for more than 5 years ,built hopes , made promises and came to know that he had hidden his name, place of stay , qualifications and god knows what all from me…
He has fake profiles in social networking sites , talks to teenaged and young gals , sends sexually explicit messages , uses his webcam ( its existence unknown to me ) in ways that were never acceptable to me ..

Never acceptable ? sounds funny to my ears .. I not only accepted this habbit of his but I fell in love with him … made him promise that he would never indulge in such activities .. he promised me …and I was happy …little did I realize how fake his promises were…

He never attempted to clear his stance .. and when I asked he said that I was indulging in mud slinging (but my dear , what will a lil more mud do to your already soiled conscience ???), he labeled me as a prejudiced person …what more could I say???
The change in a name or a qualification doesn’t matter much .. but it fills me with a fear that the person who can so cold bloodedly hide his identity from me , what else has he hidden from me or might hide in the future if I accept him again …
And anyways the question of acceptance does not come , he has quite happily moved on .. never contacted me after that day of revelation and confessions that followed .

My attempts have proved futile ..

yesterday....

Was watching the IIfa awards yesterday . in between boman irani started playing antakshari with the stars . finally when it was the turn of mr amitabh bachchan , he sang a line but the crowds wanted more . mr bachchan snatched the mike from the host , boman and said one of the most memorable dialogues of his career . from the film “kabhi kabhi”………….”zindgi tere zulfon ke naran chhaon me guzarne pati …” ..
Thank god I was alone in the room , I did not realize when tears started rolling down my eyes .. he went on saying and my tears just came down uncontrolled …


This dialogue symbolizes the ultimate expression of love for me … these lines used to be so often said by the guy I shared 5 years of my life with …

Sometimes when things like this confront me ..i wonder what would I be doing now had things been like before ? had he been there ..talking over phone …fighting most of the time .. and I waiting whole day whole night …with the phone in my hand ,no one to talk to as he was always busy talking to his “family”…………….


All is gone , all is lost ……..

memories

Since I remain free for most time of the day , I am quite into these daily soaps .
In one of my favourite soaps , the main protagonists got married recently and today’s episode showed them in bed for the 1st time.

Since it is a family channel obviously ,not much was shown .

At a latter point , the frame showed the guy lying on his bare chest, his body covered in white sheets . as something inside me started to tickle me , glimpses of my ex boyfriend lying in the bed covered in a white sheet and blanket lying beside back in 2007 came back to me . I switched off the television . I could no longer watch .

Just four days spent together can have such effect ??

Will I think of him everytime something similar to what we shared happens ??

He still sees gals’ webcams , has cyber sex , sometimes even talks to few girls I know …there must be other gals also that he has shared his bed with …
Does he ever think of me ?? does he ever think how much I loved him ??


My wellwishers tell me that I have a heart of gold . I dunno whether they mean it or just flatter me .. they say someday someone will come who will love me so much that not only will my memories be erased but once again I will be capable of building newer memories .

MY AWARD

I was still enjoying my after noon nap , when my phone buzzed . I had a message .

“ YOU SHOULD GET AN AWARD TO SHOW THE WORLD HOW TO FORGET THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU”


I met this guy a couple of months back ..just immediately after my break up .
He studied with me in std 2 and 3 . as a kid he had told me that he loved me. That makes him the 1st person to tell me those 3 magical words J

I
still find them to be magical !! the incorrigible romantic hasn’t yet learnt a lesson !!



We met after almost 14 years and he still claims to love me . though I was shaken a bit , I was determined not to fall for anyone just by what someone said .
I know that people can go to any length from my past relationship .



I wont go into the details but I came to know that he had a galfriend or may be still has one . and all this while he kept professing his love for me .

As a friend , I had told him about my past relationship . but he was hell bent on proving that he had been a saint and loved me all these years with the hoping of meeting me someday .. and never for once said that he was in any relation .

What was he trying to prove ? that he is a god ?


The guy I was with had always told me that there never was any other woman in his life except me . and god , what a fool I was to believe him … this just cant be ..

Oh god , how I loved him …how blindly , how innocently …

But thanks to him I no longer trust anyone and rightly so ..

on a gloomy day

Chocolates are good companion on a depressing day . the weather is dark and gloomy and it has filled my soul with a melancholy that seems to be uncurable.

Earlier in my adolescence I used to have bouts of depression . I remember that I used to sulk the whole day , doing nothing.

The last 5 years that I was in a relationship , I wont say I was as happy as a clown seems to be , I atleast knew what made me sad and depressed .
In those years the reason was always him .

He had made cry like no one else .

But I was happy , I knew the reason why I cried .

I had heard a lot of times that when something big happens , one just loses all senses .

Now I know what it feels like to be numb ….
I used to tell that guy that he is the one property of mine in which I have invested all my emotions. And what happens when you lose all your invested emotions ? what happens that you have been made a fool of for so many years ? what happens when you are suddenly all by yourself in a huge crowd of people you barely know ? what happens when you have to smile , talk , socialize , laugh and be “normal” in front of your parents , friends and relatives and behave as if nothing happened ??

Theres a bubble inside me in which I have stored the answers to all these questions . it is slowly getting bigger each day . the day it will burst , I will no longer live . I will be gone .


The other day I dream that I was in this dark and deep waters trying to fight my way up …only to realize that it was all futile … even though I had the wish , I did not have the capability . I could not swim .

my marriage

The biggest fear that I have is that someday if I would have to opt for an arranged marriage …what will my plight be like ?? Though couples who have had love marriages warn me that love marriages are more disastrous than arranged ones … I am not completely assured .

Someday in a couple of years may be , my parents will ask me , “ are you ready for marriage ?? “There is no question of saying “no” then coz I cant go through the pain of explaining them as to why I am not if really I am not … coz I know I will never be ready … So I say a “YES”

Now they will make a profile of mine at a matrimony site . make drafts and redraft the ad they would give in the local newspaper’s matrimony column.. Letters will start reaching our address , guys will show up on the site who will be interested in my profile …

Though I have not gathered much experience in these 23 years ..but I have understood one thing … that in this settlement called marriage … guys look for the gal’s looks and body features ( no compromises on that ) and gals look at the guy’s wallet …

My parents will then start sorting ..the guy has to be elder to me , of my caste or higher caste , a bit presentable ( this clause will added by me ), taller than me , as much or may be a little more qualified from what I am and obviously earning a good salary .. 1,2,3,4…ok now that makes 5 demands … basic ones … With due regards to all the eligible bachelors out there how many do u think will satisfy these demands …. Hardly 5 or 6 at max..

By the final year of college or by two years at job , most people end up choosing their life partners … So I have to rely on loosers like me ..who were unable to wrap things up ( wel I still have 2 years of job left …some miracle might happen then ) and have chosen to rely on their parents.. I have 2 meet this 5 people and I have to choose .. I will surrender myself in the hands of fate and choose someone on whom I would be vaguely interested in and who I will think has some interest in me …

A few months ago a cousin of mine got married . hers was an arranged marriage but by the time they got married which was a year after meeting for the first time , it appeared that they have been seeing each other for quite sometime …such was the fire .

A friend of mine once said that his sister and would be brother in law who also were introduced by their parents clicked so well that they had a pre marriage honeymoon !! I guess few people are as lucky as that coz I heard in some cases even post marriage honeymoons are disastrous ..

I remember reading a blog in ibibo that a gal was ready to have a divorce as the honeymoon was not that great !!! she sure had reasons !! But the biggest problem nowadays in arranged marriages is you cannot TRUST people ..

sometimes 5 years are not enough in knowing the real person and 5 days ??

What if a partner clings to his past ..the other is screwed ..

What if a partner is homosexual and has hidden it …the other doesn’t get screwed ..( sorry 4 the slang!!)

What if they realize that they just don’t click …both are screwed …

The bottomline .. its all fate …

the Alchemist who knew about the truths of this world had said ....the biggest mistake one does is not to do anything in life and then blame it on fate .. But mr alchemist …there are some things in life where we cannot do anything but just wait n watch ..as life slowly unfolds its mysteries !!!!

GOOD NIGHT

i am free and so i am enjoying my sessions of day dreaming ... it will last for sometime and then i will get bored ...

a guy who knows about my beak up ( a college pal) calls me up today and fixes an appointment of 11 pm .

says he has to discuss something .

though he kind of likes someone and had a short stint with her , somehow i maintain a distance with him .

he had been very helpful in my colege days and so i am just being courteous.

called up at 11 and i knew it would be a stupid topic and so it was .

he like , " tell me how do you guys restrain yourself from talking to your ex "

i was already irritated and got utterly pissed when i heard this ..

i gave him a mouth ful ..

" i am quite sure that i do not want to carry on with this relationship and i have realised long back that he doesn't need me any more and also hes no longer waiting for me "

"i have accepted the truth "

he was stupid enough to continue the talk and gave silly arguments ...but i stopped him right there ...

someone told me that guys get aroused sometimes by just hearing a gal's voice .

he understood that i was not in a mood to solve his problem and he decided to wrap up the nocturnal talk in just 3 minutes .

before hanging up , i was courteous enough to wish him "GOOD NIGHT"

29 june , 2009

Met an old friend today after 5 long years
this guy and me have been friends since we were one and a half years old .we played together , studied together , went to the same school , same tuitions ..sounds like childhood sweethearts ??
sorry to disappoint ther is no romantic angle involved here ..
though he admitted long back that he had a crush on me for sometime ..but that was it!!
he's been seeing a gal since his college days ..almost 2 years now …
unfortunately his college and office are in 2 different cities … long distance relationship what kind of love that it is god knows ..poor he ..he spent 40 thousand bucks in 4 days so that he could explain to his gal hes the one for her …the urgency of explanation ?? well this gal seems to be badly smitten by a guy who was an old flame …
my friend was quite upset that he had gifted his gal a lipstick when he himself has not …
well he has given her quite expensive things but never so small and so sexy a thing like lipstick !!
I can bet that the colour was either bright red or a soft shade of pink …
Though both the colors are quite different …both are sensuous in their own way …
Hats off to this guy for having the capability of understanding what exactly can turn a gal on ..
Well I for myself have never met such an interesting guy and needless to say never received a lipstick as a gift ..

Longtime back someone had told me that he had got a lipstick for me ..the one which in tv ads showed that it did not get spoilt even after 24 hours of wearing it … and he said “it wont get off your lips even if I kiss you” ..
mmmm…sounds like bliss..

but since we stayed in different cities ..we met a long time after he told me this …
I was expecting though that he would hand it over to me … but he came with a salwar kameez and a biiiggg “odhni” …and I felt too shy to ask him about it ..

Thud…

That was the sound of me hitting reality …

And the events that followed , I am sure that by now it must have been used by some gal and thrown away or may be if she is as stupid as me , she might still be holding it close to her heart !!!

27 june, 2009

My diary

27.06.09

Since yesterday I have been on a high . the animal in me is dominating . all day , all night I am just dreaming . I am arousing the already aroused hungry animal in me .

I desperately want two arms around me ..so that I can take in ..the force , the power that keeps this earth going …

I have let loose the wildest of my fantasies.

I have read somewhere that we should not feel guilty about who we fantasise about , fantasizing is not a crime !!!

So I have opened all the chains of my imagination …

And my body is responding to that …

Ahhhh…what happiness !! what satisfaction !!

Loving it ……